February 2012
True Facts
Formerly Fiercely Real Pregnant Former Roommate sent me this long-ass text message about how she saw her ex-boyfriend at a bus stop and “OH GOD” how awkward.
I replied, “at least he’s not dead.”
Having your first love die really alleviates you from ever having to give a shit when your friends bitch about their exes.
True Facts
Valentine’s Day, a.k.a. Time To Throw Out Your Halloween Candy Day.
Great Minds Thinking Alike
alpha-lima-lima replied to your post:
It’s going to be the latest nail polish trend, wait and see.
tehblackbirdisincognito replied to your post: Just tell people you’re starting a new nail polish trend.
Because People Don't Say It Enough
I really miss Hortense on Jezebel. Not only on weekends, but in general. It seemed like a safer place.
#DrunkHonestThoughts
I Forgot
How much I dislike Formerly Pregnant Fiercely Real Roommate’s mother.
GO.AWAY.
Shitty Husband is coming to stay the day Mommy Dearest leaves.
This is my life…
Anonymous asked: If you were a drag queen what would you lipsync to?
IM JUS SAYUN
The hairdresser on this season of The Bachelor is clearly not a union worker.
Instead of roses they should hand out brushes.
CurtCole’s Home For Fiercely Real Pregnant Ladies...
Will sadly be closing its doors. The grounds will be stripped to the studs and replaced with brightly colored plastic decor to give it the ambiance and comfort of a fast-food establishment. All future visits to the dwelling formerly known as CurtCole’s Home For Fiercely Real Pregnant Ladies and Wayward Husband will need prior written approval by the Board of Badassery and any applications...
Bey-Beh Boy
Pregnant Former Roommate is no longer pregnant or a roommate. Today she birthed a 9 pound baby boy of awesome and my life will go back to normal, in other words, there will be an uptick in bad puns and dick jokes on the internet.
Wow, I really want to go out and buy a Fiat now
feelinghellastabby:
Word.
WatchHave I mentioned how happy I am to have my house back to myself?
(Play with sound.)
Away We Go
mxandb replied to your post: Freedom, Let it RING!
CONGRATULATIONS! Saunter away! (where is pregnant roommate going?)
She’s having the baby in Arlington, then going to live with her parents during her maternity leave, Shitty Husband is going too. My time to be a jerk on the internet has seriously been expanded!
Freedom, Let it RING!
Pregnant Roommate is still pregnant, but no longer a roommate. They’re inducing tomorrow. Now it’s time to saunter around the house naked!
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This Is The Face Of Pregnancy
Just caught Pregnant Roommate scowling and eating Graham Crackers & apple sauce on the edge of the couch with one pant leg pushed up like L L Cool J.
Public Menance
Goddamn little-dingo-ate-my-baby dog, you stop your barking. #ShitStarterDog
Joke Fail
Baby Shower Host: (enthusiastically) Okay, here's the game girls! The first one to cross their legs loses!
Me: Isn't not crossing our legs what got us here?
Nobody laughs.
January 2012
Fuck No.
“Warhorse” also known as “War Horse Torture Porn” was terrible. Stephen Spielberg can go fly a bike off a mountain. #FuckThisAwardSeason
Ron Paul My Finger
Please stop inviting me to vote for Ron Paul! I’m not a racist and I like my government like I like most things, well-sized and in my face.
Behaving Badly
Playing “Cat’s In The Cradle” at your male coworker’s baby shower.
FIGHT NIGHT
It would be tacky to put on ‘Til Tuesday’s “Voices Carry” when people are fighting in the other room wouldn’t it?
#PregnantRoommateIsPregnantWithANGER #ThankfullyNotAtMe #SheWouldBeIfSheWereToReadThis
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Feelings Post
Twelve years ago today I lost my virginity, and twelve days ago the person I lost it to died. He had a cerebral arteriovenous malformation, or less formally a bunch of jumbled veins and arteries in his brain, which ruptured. They operated on him and he never woke up from the post-op coma, dying days later. Mike was the first person I ever loved and made love to. He was the first person I ever held...
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“The world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your...”
– Oscar Wilde
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I'm Just Saying
Do you think my neighbors would be horribly offended if I bought them patio furniture to replace their car seat that they have sitting on their front porch? It’s cheaper than hiring a camera crew to pretend Curb Appeal Your Block has descended upon our street.
Survey
What’s a polite way of saying, “Shut your demon Chihuahua up, or I’m leaving little bowls of anti-freeze along our common property line?”
http://m.jezebel.com/5876365/trick-yourself-into-ea...
CurtCole
Mon 16 Jan 2012 5:08 PM
*YOU* trick yourself into hating food, calling yourself virtuous and shit. I’ll be sucking on these Ghirardelli squares like they’re Ryan Gosling’s dick, thank you.
It had to be said.